I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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