Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
