I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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