last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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