dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
