My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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