she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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