The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
