i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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