a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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