dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
