but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
