I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
