I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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