Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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