If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
