Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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