i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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