Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
