she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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