Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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