never play flip cup with pint glasses
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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