Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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