I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
