there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
