My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
