between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
