I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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