I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
