I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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