we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize