remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
