Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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