I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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