I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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