My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
