Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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