I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
