Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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