I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
