I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
