I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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