party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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