I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
