am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
