the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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