I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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