is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
