Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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