you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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