sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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