So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
