; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize