Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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