I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
