I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
